As I lay here at 5am, wide awake, laying on my couch at one end and my son protectively asleep at the other. I can hear his gentle snores gravitating from under his blanket. I feel the fan gently blowing on me as it occilates back and forth, back and forth. The house is quiet, peaceful, and full of love. The living room isn’t dark it’s softly lit from the glow of light above the kitchen stove. If you know, you know. 

My sweet girl is fast asleep in her bed most likely dreaming of the rabbit she just adopted from her sister. I’m proud of her and the way she has taken on this new responsibility with ease and gusto. 

As for me, why am I awake at this time when I should be resting? 

I have a special gift where I can find something to do at any given time. This time I was working on the Devoted to Her Expo. 

As I was making plans for it I began to think about how close it is. Then because my mind won’t shut off I heard the voice of a friend from a phone call I received yesterday asking me many questions including “What’s next after this? What are you going to do?”. I immediately felt overwhelmed because I haven’t even gotten to the expo yet! 

In the midst of the quiet and thoughts running wild my mind asked the question I’ve quietly asked myself for months… why me?

Why has God chosen me for this? That’s when the tears began to well up in my eyes. 

God has me on what I believe is a major assignment but to be honest the timing is just bad on my part. He didn’t ask me “Hey Sam, I know you’re going through a lot with your family, finances, and health issues but I really need you to put together an event for other women to come , have a safe space, learn, be poured into, release and heal. Thanks.”. 

Doing this and I feel my life is way out of wack makes me feel insane but I know I have to be obedient. Not being obedient makes me feel worse. Why? Because God has always come through in my life. There’s never been a time He has not and because of that I will put on the third and best expo yet. 

But the weight of it all… the weight I feel at times and have to keep handing over to God is heavy. I feel like everyone is relying on me and they are. At times I’ve asked for help and tried to delegate different tasks to people only for it to go wrong or end up as something I had to do myself. Which was God telling me “NO! Not everyone can touch this. I called YOU to do it”. 

The weight. The weight of running my business, making new products, tending to my younger kids and trying to maintain relationships with my older kids feels like a juggling act and all of the balls are falling. 

The weight…. The weight on my shoulders to heal and get stronger. 

The weight of the spiritual attacks I’ve had to endure and call on friends and family to intercede. That’s the hardest part. Knowing you’re doing God’s work but there’s an adversary that hates you and is throwing darts at you while your heads down. Why was my head down when my armor should have been on? 

I used to be comfortable on camera. Now the honest truth is when I look in the mirror I can only see glimpses of myself. Samantha is still there but due to everything out of my control she looks different. I see it. Others see it and they stare and they don’t hesitate to make comments. 

I shouldn’t care but I do. 

I don’t know what made me write this. I already posted a video the other day about being vulnerable and showing up as is. 

I’ll always give God a yes. I think I just wanted to vent openly. It’s not easy admitting you’re upset with God. 

However, I feel He can take a little temper tantrum from His daughter. 

It brings me back to why He has me doing the expo now. In the midst of all I’m going through. I don’t know. 

What I do know is this, if God has called me to do this event, He has divinely equipped me for the assignment. He has anointed me to pull it off. It’s not about me. It’s about whom ever this event is for. If it even changes one woman’s life then I’ve done my job. 

I’m not complaining. 

Far from it. A good friend and sister in Christ always tells me “God can’t heal, what you don’t reveal”. 

Be blessed,

Sam